We are back!

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening,

Our audience spans the globe and I want to say hello to each and every one of you.

Hello, Selam, Bonjour, Hola, Guten Tag, Ciao, Salaam, Konnichiwa, Merhaba, Jambo.

It seems like it's been forever since our last post. It has been forever. Our absence was out of necessity and self preservation. From the beginning of our adoption process, I have been able to write and share my thoughts in a very cathartic manner. It was actually therapeutic to sit, gather everything swimming around in my head and simply type. While I thought it may be a great way to document our experience for ourselves it appeared that it was a place for others too. So, if you are still out there, we are back.

And a warning to any new readers. I am the queen of run-ons...and other grammatical errors.

While I could try to recap the last year plus, I don't think my time is best spent going through each memorable event. And the reality of me actually publishing this post would mean it would show up a week (month, or two) later...

I will give you the biggest peaks and pits. Let's start with the most difficult to handle (emotionally) so we are ending on a high note.

Pit#1
We do not have enough money after all for the adoption and are forced to go on hold after receiving the referral call, THE call for the baby.

At the beginning of 2013 we chose to make contact with our adoption agency and make sure we were all on the same page. This may sound strange, however after years of waiting, you tend to detach a bit. When you are just sitting and waiting on a list that sits somewhere between a desk on the East coast and multitudes of family situations in Ethiopia, it's a dance of keeping your emotional sanity and living a life you are partaking in daily. I digress. When the financial topic came up in conversation I felt there was a large gap in our communication. No. In fact, it was a large gap in where we thought we were on that financial totem pole and where we were in reality. Let me back up a little.

The best way to explain our situation is by sharing some deeply personal information. While we were not even considering to put forth the letter below our tunes changed after watching...of all things, the ESPY Awards. While listening (with tears) to the ever captivating Robin Roberts share her absolutely sad and inspiring story and accept the Arthur Ashe Courage Award a few things she said resonated. One of them being, that her Mother told her to "make your mess your message". Well, I try to listen to wise women and this just seemed to make sense to me. So, here it is, our mess and our message.

This is our condensed, raw and to the point backstory of our adoption process. The letter below has some very private information and yet when we are asked questions and do not want to answer (strangers) or cannot find the right words (friends) it is here where we find ourselves in between a rock and a hard place. Certain topics are thought of to be taboo. And yet, if more of us broke the taboo...perhaps we wouldn't feel so uncomfortable in society. I digress again.

Dear Help us Adopt Board Members,

Right this second there is an audible intake of breath by a hopeful couple, inside a little bungalow in Englewood, Colorado as you pour over our paperwork and read our story.

We want to thank you for considering our grant application as we continue our adoption process. We learned about your organization through our international agency, Wide Horizons. It was only during the last couple months that we felt we needed to ask for assistance. We understand that many couples who travel the road of adoption face many hardships and needs along the way.  We are no different, however, at this point in time we feel that we need help financially. 

The hardships and financial difficulties we as a couple have faced have forced us to grow as individuals and as a couple.  We have handled our obstacles together, grieved, laughed and most importantly loved. 

But first, we should give you a little history that includes lots of love and some heartache. We have been together for over eight years. Through our struggles we have allowed ourselves to be vulnerable enough to grieve. Yet, strong to rebuild, have hope and enjoy the present while looking to the future.

First, we learned in 2008 that Mathew was sterile.  Following the grieving period for this loss, while researching adoption agencies we learned in spring 2009 that Abigail would most likely not be able to conceive a child.  This was a double blow to us both.  However, these events only further reinforced our commitment to adoption, the seeds of which had been laid when we were still dating.  We as a couple knew we would rather focus our energy and resources towards building our family through adoption.

Once we started the adoption journey we received remarkable news.  All of the adoption expenses were surprisingly being gifted to us by a family member. We couldn’t believe our ears, listening intently over the phone and looking at each other in disbelief. There were many tears of joy, we were so grateful. This was a month of calm, peace and hope. Unfortunately, when they learned about the child’s birthplace, Ethiopia, they retracted the finances for the adoption and this is where we stumbled upon another emotional hardship.

In addition we have had the unfortunate experience of putting our adoption on hold twice. This was when we were notified that our landlord had to sell his townhouse we were living in. Lots of research and digging led us to buying our first home. However, it had been vacant for over a year and needed a certain amount of labor and love. The labor, was a complete kitchen and bath renovation, all new and safe electrical and plumbing with countless other small and not so small tasks. The love, was knowing that this is the home we would bring our baby into and create so many beautiful and special memories. Making it our home which is now clean and safe required us to use a good portion of our savings.

Since we have been in the adoption process for three and a half years some of the adoption fees have doubled and tripled from when we were first accepted as clients. In 2009 the approximate total, excluding travel, for the adoption was going to be $17,640. Today, the approximate total, excluding travel is $32,740. We understand that programs can change, countries can alter their requirements and fees may increase. To date, we have spent $9,850 and we still have the referral and post placement fees, totaling $25,000, not including travel.

While we were working diligently to save the remaining monies due upon referral we received the referral call. Needless to say, this was a bitter and helpless feeling. Knowing that we had waited for so long for this most special telephone call and knowing we couldn’t continue the conversation was heartbreaking. We imagined this one little but monumental phone call in our heads over the years. Telling our case worker that we did not have the total funds was difficult. We tried to make special financial arrangements with our agency but it was not a possibility. There were a couple weeks after the news of our referral that were emotional torture. It was impossible not to feel hurt after all we have been through. And it was becoming difficult not to tear up at the smallest of things. This seemed like such a significant obstacle that could put us on hold for a substantial period of time. We were required to go on hold for the second time because of the insufficient funds. Once we have the balance we will be back on the wait list and wait for the big call.

Finally, we are extremely worried that Ethiopia as a country might close to international adoptions.  Many changes have occurred during our time in the process.  Fees have increased as noted above.  Furthermore, Ethiopia requires prospective parents to make two trips instead of one.  This means four plane tickets instead of two as well as two hotel stays. 

There are no doubts that we will be loving parents. Abigail is a nanny to a wonderful boy whom she has been with since he was born. He is now five years-old and they are extremely connected. Abigail is actually stated as his legal guardian in his Mother’s will. We are God parents to two children, surrogate Auntie Abby and Uncle Mat to many others. Mathew is the big kid that all of the children always flock to. He is so natural and right at home with all of the children in our lives. When a little person stays with us for a night, weekend or longer we have a special rhythm together. It’s as natural as loving one another.

Abigail’s parents adopted her when she was only eleven days old. It is through this most positive experience that she always knew she wanted to adopt a child as well. Abigail’s parent’s also dealt with the loss of infertility and have been a rock to us both. The parallels between us and Abigail’s parents are somewhat remarkable. It is through these deep connections of pain and love for a child that we have been so patient in this process. Because of their love and unwavering support it has given us a unique support system like no other. They are there for us when we need to express our emotions and they can honestly know what it feels like. Abigail has three cousins that are adopted and another cousin who adopted a child. We will be bringing the 6^th adopted child into her family and we couldn’t be happier about that. Mathew’s family does not have any experience with adoption other than hearing positive stories from Abigail and her parents.

So to recap, we are asking for your help due to our hardships; infertility, going on hold due to financial restraints, not being able to pursue a referral, and our fear that Ethiopia may close to international adoption.  We are also asking for help due to financial needs; newlyweds with little money to begin with but began saving, promised financial support which was later rescinded, the need to purchase a home and use our savings, and finally the adoption fee increases.                

It is our hope that you read our story and understand some of the hardships we have experienced. But most importantly see who we are as a couple in these very few words and can feel the depth of our love and emotion for each other and for our child. We know one day the final chapter will include us home with our baby, regardless of how long it takes.

Most Sincerely, Abigail and Mathew Berry

Moving on to some peaks.

When reality set in that our agency would continue to raise the fees annually we knew that something had to give. With our current financial situation nothing was budging. In fact, my salary would be decreasing due to decreased hours because the little guy I take care of is growing up and starting kindergarten this year. So that meant either our job/s situation changed to accommodate the agency fee increase or we would not in any way be able to have a child.
(Yes, we have looked at other agencies, countries, situations, etc. this is still our goal to stick with Ethiopia. We hear lots of couples say they know their child is there or God is telling them that's where they need to be. With us, I would simply say that's where our hearts are. In Ethiopia. For numerous reasons.)

So...we did two things. One, we applied for a grant to assist us with our adoption expenses. And two, I started my own business.

Peak #1
We were given the grant! Our letter touched the board members who read it and we spoke with them about what we have been through and how they reacted to our situation and all that we have experienced. We have agreed to stay in touch and we have signed over permission for them to use our story in any marketing, etc. for their organization. We will give them periodic updates and pictures as our journey continues. We are eternally grateful to helpusadopt.org for their kindness and generosity! It is because of their grant that we are working diligently to come off of hold! We hope to be back at the top of the waitlist soon. We will keep you posted.

Peak #2
I became a business entity! abbymade, LLC was born on April 24th and it's been a whirlwind. This is the first time I am mentioning it in any public way. Word of mouth has kept me more than busy and I am struggling to keep up with the demand. Always a good problem for a new business. I have wanted to start my own food business for several years but never had enough guts. To be honest it started out of pure desperation for more $$$$ with the adoption situation and my dream of a more promising future for my family. And encouragement from a new and dear friend... Brooke.

I will say that my husband Mat and my parents, Mat's parents and family could not be more proud and excited. I am so lucky to be married to such an incredibly warm and thoughtful man. He has been so encouraging and helpful as I stumble around this new business world that I find myself in. Whether he is doing the cost analysis for the products or washing dishes (and cleaning the whole house)- he is my rock.  I have received great support from family and friends.  Mat's mom came over and helped with an event with baking and prep work.  Some other friends Emily and Whitney have also helped with photographs and baking and prep work for another event.  It has been unbelievable the amount of support.

I remember being in the kitchen with my Mom at a very young age. I asked her a couple weeks ago how old I was when I started cooking. She said as soon as I could walk, I was in the kitchen helping her. My Grama Betty taught me how to bake. She was one of the most important people in my life. I wish I could talk to her about this and so much more.

For now that is all. I can share more about the adoption, abbymade and some of you may be wondering about our house renovations. I will be coming back on a more regular basis. Perhaps once a week, maybe every other week. We shall see. Thank you for reading my ramblings if you made it this far ;)

Abby and Mat